So in an effort to create the illusion that I'm actually putting some work into this blog, let's try this:
What would the statline, special rules and wargear of Chuck if he were to be played in 40k?
Hopefully I'll get around to making real posts soon. : D
Chuck Norris is way cooler than Marbo.
ReplyDeleteHe wins when you set him on the table.
On a 4+ Chuck Norris wins and you roundhouse kick your opponent in the face.
ReplyDeleteOn a 3 or less Chuck Norris wins and your opponent roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris special rule #1
ReplyDeleteImportant Things to Do: Chuck Norris is a busy man, and therefore always successfully seizes the initiative. Any army including Chuck Norris will NOT deploy any units other than Chuck Norris, as all other units are superfluous and therefore a waste of Chuck's valuable time. The enemy army will (quickly) line up at a place to be determined by Chuck Norris (not Chuck Norris's "controlling player," because who but Chuck can control Chuck Norris?) and prepares themselves for an ass-kicking (or worse).
Chuck Norris special rule #2
ReplyDeleteGame Breaker: Chuck Norris is not just a Special Character; he's an EXTRA special character. He doesn't just break bones; he breaks entire games as well and therefore may not be used in standard tournament play--UNLESS he wants to be used, in which case it would be wise to view this "rule" as more of a "guideline." If two players cannot agree on this issue, roll a D6 and on a 1+, Chuck Norris gets his way. We find this is typically the least bloody, least tearful way to resolve all possible disputes involving Chuck Norris at the gaming table.
Chuck Norris special rule #3:
ReplyDeleteEpic Win: Chuck Norris always wins. (Sorry to waste ink on the obvious, thus driving up the price for you, the consumer. However, Games Workshop insisted on that line for the sake of clarity. Why they started bothering with that now is a mystery, but it may have something to do with a fear of reprisal from Mr. Norris. If only Mr. Norris would condescend to be on the Board of Directors at Games Workshop, we might see some real improvement in the rules. Again, sorry about wasting ink, but the authors also fear reprisals from Chuck Norris. "Mr. Norris for Emperor in 2010!!!" Ok, back to the rule...)
Roll a D6 and consult the following Chuck Norris Victory Table:
1--Chuck Norris wins: There's no shame in losing to Chuck Norris--you'll be able to tell your grandchildren someday about the day you played Chuck Norris--so shake his hand like a gentleman. Just be prepared for a few broken metacarpals.
2--Chuck Norris vanquishes you: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals) AND put on a padded sumo-wrestler outfit. The extra cushioning will save your life when Chuck Norris bitch slaps you to the floor/wall. Also, prepare for a liquid diet; your jaw will take 6 months to heal.
3--Chuck Norris conquers you: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), AND relinquish all minis currently in your possession. Bow and swear eternal fealty to Chuck Norris (I mean, really, why haven't we all done this already?) and finally, swear never again to command the army with which you just lost so heinously.
4--Chuck Norris dominates: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, AND offer to deliver a message for Chuck Norris. He will then hand you a sealed envelope and ask you to deliver it to your wife. You may not open the envelope, but know that it contains Chuck Norris's phone number and that you should probably start looking for a new place to live.
5--Chuck Norris wins absolutely: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, AND show him a picture of your wife. When his eyes fall upon her image, she will become instantly pregnant. You now have the honor of raising a primarch of our age.
6--Chuck Norris's Epic Win: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, and show him a picture of your wife. Not only is she now pregnant with his child, you are as well. You will both bear his progeny, and, inexplicably, they will be identical twins. While you may be apprehensive about the delivery (and good luck with that, by the way), be thankful. Chuck Norris just rolled a 6--the only thing saving you from a roundhouse kick to the face is the fact that you are carrying his baby!
I'm totally asking Chuck Norris if I can steal this - it has to be passed on.
ReplyDeleteI love it Herr!
ReplyDeleteThanks, MOM.
ReplyDelete(I notice you are in Vancouver. Ever been to an Astronomi-con? They're holding one in Dallas this year, and I'm thinking of going.)
I'm going to it this summer, but I haven't been to one before.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the fascination with Chuck Norris? He lost to Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon.
ReplyDeleteG
Actually, he beat Bruce Lee, then he erased the memories of everyone who was there so they thought Bruce Lee won in order to help out Bruce's self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of the game, after the roll to sieze the initiative, the player using Chuck rolls a die. On a 4+, that player automatically wins the game. On a 1,2 or 3, the die is re-rolled.
ReplyDeleteChuck's unit type is obviously Monstrous Creature (pretty much goes without saying).
If both players have Chuck in their armies, the risk of the universe imploding becomes dangerously high. For safety reasons, the game may not be played. Note that this result does not count as a draw, it is simply not allowed to be played.
Your momma lost to Bruce Li in a lower budget version of "Enter the Dragon."
ReplyDeleteNo MOM Bruce fist raped Chuckie. It was brutal.
ReplyDeleteG